June 17, 2019

PCOS and Marriage Life: 5 Common Problems and How to Address Them

You met the love of your life, just got married and then it happens: The PCOS diagnosis. Once you left the doctor’s office, you probably frantically started googling, to find out more about what your options are, how to best address the symptoms and.. well.. how to not freak out! I was that person a while back. Well… Technically I was single, when I was first diagnosed, but you know what I mean… It’s a scary diagnosis at first. Once the initial shock wore off and I came to terms with the lifestyle changes I needed to make and the treatment protocol my doctor recommended, I started to wonder, how PCOS would affect my relationships and marriage life in the future and what I (and my partner) could do to ensure, PCOS didn’t get in the way of our relationship.

I thought and read a lot about building thriving partnerships over the years. No, I definitely didn’t want PCOS to stop me from having a fulfilling relationship and I was determined to figure out how to make it happen. Today I want to share what I’ve learned and discuss how it applies to PCOS and marriage life. Yes, there are common “PCOS marriage problems”, that many couples face, but the good news is, that you can work through all of them as long as you are open and patient with your partner and willing to work on yourself and your relationship.

Common PCOS Marriage Problem #1: Self Esteem

Let’s talk about some of the rather unpleasant symptoms of PCOS. Hair everywhere, bad skin, hair loss, troubles keeping that weight off. I was never very self confident to start with, but dealing with PCOS symptoms sometimes really brings me down. Many women feel less feminine, less attractive or less desirable. I’ve definitely been there. When I was single, I would wonder how anyone could ever love be, being the mess I am. And the truth is: Even now, that I’ve met that person, that genuinely cares about me, those feelings sometimes creep up in me. I wonder why he is with me and why he puts up with all of my issues.

You’ve probably heard it 1000 times already: You need to love yourself first, before you can let someone else love you. I know I’ve heard it 1000 times already and I used to be one of these women, who would roll her eyes. Over the years I’ve understood though, that self esteem and self love are deeply connected and as my self confidence grew, my belief, that I was worthy of love grew too. This has greatly helped me to receive love and build better relationships.

Tip: If you want to learn more about how I managed to grow my self confidence, click HERE. If you’re dating someone with low self-esteem and wonder how to best support them, click HERE.

Yes, it can be hard to be self confident sometimes and in moment, when my hairy arms or wide hips are wearing me down I make sure to remember, that my family, my friends and my partner love me for who I am, not because my skin is clear or my hair is great. I know it’s not why I love them. In those situations affirmations have helped me as well. If, however, your struggles with self-esteem really wear your down and lack of self-love becomes a chronic problem, you should consider seeing a professional to help you work through the negative thoughts and feelings.

Common PCOS Marriage Problem #2: Emotional Reactions

PCOS is a hormonal disorder and hormonal imbalance can affect your emotions. Some women get angry, some struggle with depression or anxiety, some get triggered very easily. For me, it was all of the above. Needless to say, that all of those things were hard on my partner and relationship. Dealing with an overly emotional partner can be quite a challenge. It sure was for my boyfriend, when we first started dating. What has helped us was something as simple as open communication. We’ve talked about, how I sometimes get emotional and how it is hard for him to cope sometimes. He finds it difficult to know how to react or how to help me, when I get angry or sad or just unreasonable upset about something, that triggered me. While meditation and yoga have helped me to better manage my emotions, I still sometimes “lose it”. In those situations, my partner is my rock. Over the years we have found, what works for me, works for us. It helps me calmly reminds me, that it’s my hormones and reminds to to focus on my breath. I think every couple needs to find their own routine. The key is to address the problem and make an effort to find what works for you and your partner.

Common PCOS Marriage Problem #3: Intimacy

Alright. Let’s talk about sex. While intimacy plays a big role in relationships and in marriage, it can also be the cause of a lot of heartache and frustration. Hormonal conditions, like PCOS, can greatly affect a person’s sex drive and struggles with self-esteem can lead them to become distant and withdraw from their partner. Oftentimes trouble (or no trouble) in the bedroom remains unaddressed between partners. Reasons for that could be embarrassment or simply not wanting to put your loved one on the spot.

Maybe it’s just a phase? Yes. Sometimes it is just a phase. But if intimate moments, between you and your partner start to become less and less, be brave and bring it up. It’s likely they’ve noticed and will welcome you bringing it up. Make sure you’re not confrontational and try to not get emotional. Reassure them, that you love them and that you were wondering what they thought. An open conversation will bring you closer to each other. Maybe even in the bedroom.

Tip: Feel like you are in a sexless marriage and struggling to figure out what to do? Read my article on the subject HERE.

Common PCOS Marriage Problem #4: Difficulties Getting Pregnant

So you just got married and want to start a family? That’s great! If only there wasn’t this PCOS thing to keep you from finally getting your happily-ever-after, right?! Many couples struggle to get pregnant because of PCOS and it is important to remind yourselves, that MANY women have healthy babies despite PCOS. It happens all the time. If you don’t believe me, join one of the many excellent online support groups there are, where no day goes by without a PCOS cyster posting a picture of a positive pregnancy test. It helps me. For other it is very triggering. If this is the case for you, there are other groups, that don’t focus on fertility struggles, but other symptoms like hirsutism.

Don’t feel guilty. PCOS is not your fault. Don’t let your partner make you feel guilty and if you are with someone fighting PCOS, make sure you don’t blame them. You’re in this together.

Infertility or difficulty getting pregnant can dramatically affect a couple’s life. Many end up seeing a medical professional or even going through fertility treatment. Talking about things that happen (or don’t happen) in the bedroom to a doctor, who essentially is a complete stranger, can be weird, intimidating and cause further frustration in the bedroom. It’s important to remember, that sex is not just about reproduction. Try your best to stay spontaneous, enjoy each other and have some fun.

Yes, it sucks to not be able to conceive, if all you really want is a baby. Just know, that those struggles are quite common and it will happen for you sooner or later.

Common PCOS Marriage Problem #5: Depression and Anxiety

If unaddressed, many of the challenges I already mentioned, can lead to depression, anxiety and in some extreme cases suicidal thoughts. If you or your partner are overwhelmed and feel like the negative thoughts have become chronic and are starting to take over your life, it is time to seek professional help.

When I was at my worst, I was genuinely convinced, that I couldn’t be helped, that this feeling of hopelessness and self-loathing was here to stay. Forever. If that’s you right now, please don’t wait, take that step and get help. I know, it can be scary at first, but don’t let that stop you. Please believe me, when I tell you, that you can feel better and you will feel better.

Tip: I’m a big believer in support groups. If there aren’t any in your area, check my post on my favorite online support groups HERE.