I Was in a Sexless Marriage Because of PCOS. Here’s What I’ve Learned.

I’d heard about sexless marriages before. But I could never relate. Ever since I started to have sex at age 16, I had a healthy libido. Very healthy in fact. I remember my boyfriends loving that about me. I loved sex and couldn’t get enough of it. I loved the rush, the excitement, the intimacy. Everything. When I met my now-husband a couple of years ago we’d spend entire weekends without leaving the bedroom. We’d have morning sex, cuddle, order take-out, have sex again, take a nap, have sex again and again. You get the point. I loved it.

Loved. Past tense. We got married about four years ago after dating for a while and shortly after the wedding I was diagnosed with PCOS. A shock. For both of us. We were excited to start our life together, start a family, have a lot of babies. I knew, that living with PCOS would be a challenge, that we’d struggle getting pregnant and that I’d have to make sure to live as healthily as possible. What I wasn’t prepared for though is the hit our sex life took after my diagnosis. I was ready to fight PCOS, but I had no idea I would find myself struggling to fix my sexless marriage.

How did this happen?

I think we both realized, that there was something happening to us, but neither of us could bring up the courage to confront the other about it. I found myself not wanting to make love to the man I loved so much, pulling away from him and worrying about the growing distance between us. It wasn’t so much, that we weren’t having sex. What made the whole situation weird was, that there was this huge ping elephant in the room, that we both simply chose to ignore.

Fixing our sex life was no easy task, but we managed. And if my husband and I can do it, so can you! I’ve tried to summarize what we’ve learned below, hoping that it will help other couples get back on track and find happiness.

Weeks of not having sex turned into months and they probably would have turned into years, decades even, had I not decided one day to face the problem head on and speak to my husband about it. Of course he’d noticed as well, but with the PCOS diagnosis and everything, he hadn’t wanted to upset me or put pressure on me. I love him. PCOS had caused me to gain some weight, not being able to conceive had left me feeling guilty and keeping up with all my hair removal ritual had started to feel like too big of a chore for me. I told him how I didn’t feel love-worthy and that one talk turned into many more talks and into me starting to regain my desire to explore my sexuality and him making a huge effort to make sure I felt loved.

Fast forward to today: While we’re not in out 20s anymore and life sometimes gets in the way, we’re back to having a healthy sex life, that we both enjoy. I’m pregnant with our first child (a girl!) and we both couldn’t be happier. Yes, I still have PCOS and I still get overwhelmed sometimes, but I’ve come to terms with it and it is no longer getting in the way of me living my best life.

4 Tips for Improving a Sexless Marriage

1. Communication

The start of our journey to fix our sexless marriage was really communication. Had I not had the courage to address the issue with my husband… I don’t know, if we would still be together today. It was hard to take the first step, but it was equally hard to continue to communicate and be vulnerable. Just because we had talked about our issues, didn’t mean, they’d disappeared over night. Realize, that while communication is key, action matters even more.

2. Self Confidence

I know, I know. You’re probably so sick of hearing this, but as my self confidence grew over the months, so did my libido. I started to take better care of myself and started to feel better about myself again. I fixed my diet, started to workout. I knew that those things were crucial to keep my PCOS under control, but all the heartache my sexless marriage was causing me, the anxiety, sadness and depression and make me neglect my own needs. I felt like it didn’t matter anyways. It took me a while and lots of hard work to get to a point, where I feel worthy of my husband’s love and affection again. I started to love myself again.

Tip: If you want to read about ways, that can help you boost your self-esteem, click HERE. If your partner is struggling with low self-esteem and you want to learn more about how to best support them, click HERE.

3. Honesty

The first step was really for both me and my husband to stop ignoring the problem. We needed to face our challenges and start to be honest about with ourselves. Yes, we were in a sexless marriage and yes, this was a problem. We had to stop playing the hiding game. This was only the first step though.

Over the months, I realized, that I hadn’t been honest with myself or my previous partners in the bedroom either. I’d been conditioned to put my partners satisfaction over my own. If a certain position caused my discomfort, I wouldn’t say anything and just suffer in silence. I thought about all the encounters I’d had before my marriage and reflected on my husband’s and my sex life. Was I really enjoying sex? I realized, that I loved the intimacy and sex sometimes felt like something I had to get through to earn the cuddles at the end. That realization hit me pretty hard.

Honesty in the bedroom is especially important, if you’re struggling with low libido. Make sure you don’t end up in a situation, where sex becomes a chore or something you put up with just because it’s what your partner expects. If sex is not enjoyable to you, your body won’t want more of it and you might end up with lots of anxiety. Don’t force it. If you don’t feel like sleeping with your partner, tell them. Your partner loves you and wants you to enjoy your time together just as much as you do.

4. Spontaneity

Even if you’re trying for a baby, stay spontaneous! I remember months of only having sex, when there was a chance I could get pregnant. Sex had stopped being this fun thing we did and started to become a chore. I’d always have a multi-pack of pregnancy tests at home. First came the sex, then the pregnancy test, then the disappointed. When we were having sex, I only thought about whether it would finally work this time. I wasn’t really there. I was just thinking about the drawer in the bathroom with all the pregnancy tests and how badly I wanted a baby.

I had to learn to enjoy sex for what it was again and as I re-connected with myself and my husband, the anxiety disappeared. Sex didn’t feel pointless anymore unless it’d get me pregnant. It was fun again. And as I started to relax, the pressure I’d created got less. I felt better and eventually it happened: I got pregnant.

Don’t Give Up!

Finding your way out of a sexless marriage can be quite a daunting task. Even more so, if you’re struggling with PCOS. My husband and I decided to not give up and fought our way back. No, it wasn’t easy at times, but was it worth it? Hell yeah! If we can do it, you can too! Don’t give up!

Sarah live in Oakland with her husband Joe. They are expecting their first child in 3 months. It’s a girl and they couldn’t be more excited to finally start a family.